


The sun will rise (and we will try again)

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Deaf Character, Emotions, Feels, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sign Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24705292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: Two different anniversaries, or two different celebrations of how things have changed.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	The sun will rise (and we will try again)

**Author's Note:**

> tw - this fic talks about canonical character death in a fairly minor way, but please be careful!

Callum thinks this is the first time that he’s come here that doesn’t feel like the end of the world. He used to come all the time when he was still with Whitney, still in denial of the raging storm inside of him. He used to sit on the old wooden bench and just let the tears flow, whisper to the sky all the questions he didn’t have answers for, all the questions that had died with him-

‘What if I hadn’t left?

What if I’d been brave enough?

What if you really did love me?’

He used to pray for someone to answer them, someone to offer him a guiding hand. There had been once that an old man had come to sit by him, lay a warm hand on his shoulder and talked to him about his wife, but he’d just managed to say all the wrong things, about finding yourself the right woman and spending your life loving her.

Now, though, it’s the third anniversary of his death, and he doesn’t have to go alone. He’s no longer quite so lost, no longer whispering those questions to the sky because he’s finally found the answers himself. Of course, he still wonders some of them on his bad days. Days when he’s still haunted by memories of the army are still filled with what-ifs that he’ll never have the answers to, but now he doesn’t have to wonder them alone. He can pour his heart out to the man he loves, the man that had slid that silver ring onto his fourth finger almost six months ago now, the man that has promised to be by his side forever. He can tell Ben about all this, and Ben will listen intently, and do whatever he can.

Today, they both know that that means visiting Chris’ grave together. Callum’s always loved where it is- in the middle of a field out of London, where you can just about see the edge of the city, and hills on the other side. There’s some trees on one side of the graveyard, and daisies are starting to sprout between some of the graves. The sun’s managed to stay out today which is a blessing, and it’s not too warm. The two of them walk hand in hand up the little path of the graveyard, towards the back, and it’s then that Callum realises there’s someone else stood in front of Chris’ grave. Some residual anxiety shoots through him at that- he’s determined he’s not going to cry today but he doesn’t want anyone else but Ben there just in case he does. Ben seems to sense his hesitation, and squeezes his hand a little in encouragement. Callum turns to him.

“It’ll be fine, I promise. We can just wait till they go, yeah?” he says, and offers Callum a smile. Callum returns it, and leads Ben over to the bench that’s just a couple metres away from Chris’. Except when he does, and he begins to sit down on the bench, someone calls his name from behind him.

“Callum?” a woman’s voice calls, and Callum turns around. Vicky is standing by Chris’ grave, smiling gently at him. She looks a few years older now, and there’s a silver wedding ring sparkling on her finger.

“Vicky,” Callum grins, and he leans forward to hug her. When they pull away, she looks pointedly behind him, and Callum turns to where Ben is sat quietly on the bench. He takes ben’s hand and pulls him out of the chair.

“Vicky,” he says, signing along with his words. “This is my fiancé, Ben. Ben, this is Vicky. She was Chris’ sister.”

Vicky has this proud grin on her face, and it warms Callum inside a little. She turns to Ben, and, to his surprise, signs along with her words too.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ben,” she smiles, and Ben looks at her with a genuine smile on his face. It’s not often that people are this accommodating right off the bat, so it’s a welcome change for him.

“Yeah, and you,” he replies, holding out his hand, which Vicky shakes.

“You coming here for him?” Vicky says to Callum, nodding to the grave behind her.

“Yeah,” Callum says sighing.

“You can go, babe. I’ll wait here if you want,” Ben smiles to him, then sits himself back down on the bench. Callum squeezes his hand in thanks, because somehow Ben always knows exactly what he needs. He turns back to Vicky, who leads him over to the grave.

For a while they just stand in silence. Vicky’s already laid down a new bunch of flowers- they’re beautiful yellow ones (Chris’ favourite colour, if he remembers rightly) and they stand out against the grey stone. It still gets him a little when he sees Chris’ name on the headstone, even though it’s been three years and he’s come here a countless amount of times. He reaches into his pocket then and brings out Chris’ letter, just one of the ones that Vicky had given to him all that time ago.

“I still remember when you have this to me,” He says to her quietly. She smiles a little.

“I’m glad you kept it,” she says. “And I’m glad you’ve moved on.”

“Thank you,” he says, and it feels like emotion is clogging up his throat.

“he would have been proud of you, you know,” she says, and that’s what breaks Callum. He can feel a tear trailing from his left eye, but it’s not all that sad. It’s acceptance, and peace, and the welcome feeling of moving on. Callum just nods, because he can’t gather the words together any more. Vicky lays a hand on his arm, and quietly says goodbye, before turning to walk back towards the bench. She signs something to Ben as she passes, and he nods, before getting up to join Callum. He takes the other man’s hand, laying a kiss on the knuckles.

“I’m proud of you, Callum,” he says, and that’s all that needs to be said.

-

-

Ben’s been dreading this date for weeks, but it’s not quite as bad as it usually is. Callum’s well aware of the anniversary that’s coming up, and he’s been careful around Ben for the past few days. Ben’s been trying his best to behave, and for once, he’s not been drunk at all this week. Callum seems to be doing all he can to try and keep things normal, and something in Ben, a voice that’s still not left him after all these years, seeks to remind him that he’s done nothing to deserve all of this kindness. In the past, he’s spent this anniversary in between bars and strangers’ sheets, but there is definitely something more comfortable about being in Callum’s sheets, waking up with the other man’s tall body wrapped protectively around him. He’s spent years drinking this anniversary into oblivion, trying desperately to blur the memories that always come back to haunt him around this time, but this year he’s determined to break the cycle. Callum says he’s organised something for the evening, and Ben’s somewhat wary, but he trusts the man enough to be going in blind. Fuck, he’d trust the man with this life, really. Who wouldn’t, with that face.

-

He’s wary when he walks into the flat that evening, tired and with too many memories hiding behind his eyelids. The flat’s dimly lit, bright enough that Ben can read lips easily, but dim enough to make it look romantic, and something in Ben is expecting to find Callum naked on the sofa.

(It wouldn’t be the first time, actually.)

He schools that part of himself though, and wills away the memories of last time. He won’t be finding Callum naked on the sofa, because he knows they have Lexi tonight, and Callum loves the little girl too much to deny her an evening with the two of them. When he walks into the flat, though, he isn’t expecting to see Jay and Lola there too. The whole living room has been cleared out, in fact, the sofa and chair moved somewhere else. The dining room table is turned on it’s side, but the TV is still in place. A DVD is on pause on the screen, probably one of Lexi’s Disney ones, and there’s blankets strewn across the room. One is hooked from the dining table onto the curtain rail, turning the whole room into a fort. Jay and Lola are snuggled up in one corner, and Lexi is sat on Callum’s lap next to them. The whole room is lit up with dozens of little fairy lights, which makes it look so magical that ben can feel tears in his eyes. As soon as he walks into the room, Lexi bounds across to him, wrapping her arms around his legs. Callum gets up too, with a slightly unsure smile on his face.

‘Is this okay?’ Callum signs as he walks over to him.

“Thank you,” is all Ben can say in response, and he hides his face in Callum’s shoulder to reign in the tears because he desperately doesn’t want to cry in front of his daughter.

He spends the rest of the evening, and the rest of the night, with this beautiful little family that he’s found, and suddenly Paul’s anniversary doesn’t feel like such an oncoming storm. He knows he’ll never forget Paul, in the same way that Callum will never forget Chris, but that’s okay. They both have their pasts, but now the anniversaries don’t have to be days of pain any more. They remind the both of them that they can learn to love again, and celebrate what’s become of them.

**Author's Note:**

> okay I like the first part of this but not the second really? idk, but this is my day 6 prompt fill for ballum week on tumblr. hope you enjoyed!  
> Stay safe!   
> Leo <3 (artsy-highway on tumblr)


End file.
